Blog Xalpharis

I appreciate you, Florida.

It is not because I support the American space program. It is not even because I think hurricanes are a form of population control. It certainly is not because I love Disney. Citrus is certainly a positive contribution, but that is not something to be commended. Those groves were there back when the Spanish were running things in Florida. Beaches are beautiful, but there are beaches in Ohio.

So, who the fuck wants to see ‘em?

I appreciate Florida because of the joy that the state brings into my life. If it were not for the headlines generated within the Sunshine State for Fark.com, I doubt that I would be the person that I am today. Perhaps a miniscule fraction less bemused with my life. More specifically, Florida, Fark.com… and machetes.

That is right, I said machetes.

Headlines involving Floridians and machetes are truly the most illuminating point of my life when it comes to the news. It has been a few months, but I will share it with you.

Not getting the deal that you wanted on the car sale does not give you the right to cut the salesman with a machete

That may seem like common sense, but as you will see… Florida. Just… Florida.

Man tries to rob convenience store with machete. Fails when female clerk pulls out her own machete from behind counter

Unfortunately, this will be the most amusing headline I will be posting. It is pretty straight-forward. Man walks into a convenience store, and unsheathes his machete. He had no idea the woman behind the counter also had a machete, and ran him off with it. Click the link, The Smoking Gun has the surveillance video that brings tears to my eyes.

Dispute over beer money? Check. In a trailer park at 6:00 a.m.? Check. Was a machete involved? Check. The Florida tag is locked and loaded

I’ve always heard that Florida was not considered part of the “Deep South.” This headline pretty much shoots that argument all to hell. Pass the Natty Light, bro.

News: Man carjacks woman at Walmart… Fark: using machete

I… would have just rolled the windows up, I guess. Wal-Mart shoppers aren’t that bright to begin with. Anyone get the impression he bought the machete in aisle fourteen, Jungle Gear? I can’t be the only one.

Police detain a man parked with a stack of women’s sonograms, a blond wig, rope, binoculars, an 18-inch machete, knives, gloves, two spent 9-mm shell casing and 18 human teeth inside a film canister

Look, I had a perfectly valid reason for having all of those things.

Your girlfriend repeatedly turns down your request for sex. Do you A) punch her B) arm yourself with a machete C) go to a different home and steal speaker equipment D) all of the above

E) Stop providing compelling reason for a global eugenics program.

Argument over the proper way to water plants results in gunshots, machete chase

First off, why does someone need a machete when they had a firearm? If you can’t kill someone with a single bullet, what is the point of taking the shot? Cooter on the runnnn.

Lady chases her brother out of her home with a machete on Thanksgiving night because he showed up with another woman. “If you don’t get out, I’ll kill you”

Okay, this is the third headline from the Tampa Sun-Sentinel. Perhaps Tampa is the Machete Capital in a state well-known for having the machete as the state weapon of choice. ARE YOU PROUD, TAMPANS?! Wait… Tampans can’t be right. It is kind of fitting…

I apologize for that.

Argue with your cousin? check. While drinking? check. Attack him with a machete? check. Florida tag? check

What the fuck, Tampans. They are single-handedly dragging Florida into the same metaphorical trailer park as Alabama, Alaska, and Appalachia.

Instead of using a machete, the traditional weapon of Florida, man hits a person over the head with nunchakus

FOR SHAME! Deduct one point from the Tampans’ douche column. Hah, douche column.

I also apologize for that.

Of course, Florida is not the only place to find hilarious machete-related incidents. This is truly a world-wide problem for law enforcement. Here are some examples:

Atheist says only belief in God can save Africa. “Removing Christian evangelism from the African equation may leave the continent at the mercy of a malign fusion of Nike, the witch doctor, the mobile phone and the machete”

Who the fuck listens to an atheist? Actually, don’t answer that. For both our sakes. Addressing this so-called journalists statement… what exactly is the downside of a ‘malign fusion of Nike, the witch-doctor, the mobile phone and the machete’? Keep in mind that the average life-span in these parts of Africa is thirty-five. Thirty… five. How about removing the Talibangelism and teaching these people that using rubbers is not going to have them burning in Hell. Christianity is an aide to AIDS in Africa. Penis.

Machete-armed gangs rampaging through Kenya. Well no wonder they’re mad, they’ve got machete arms

Can’t say that I disapprove. Hurricanes aren’t available in Kenya.

You should use your machete if you’re hiking through the wild jungles of Borneo. You should not use your machete if you’re angry that your pizza is late

I’ve had thoughts along similiar lines. Just kidding, this guy is a fucking whacko.

Dislike Celtic music? Maybe a machete to the head will change your mind

I like Enya, I swear. Feel free to peruse my Clannad and Enya discographies.

Guy brings a machete to a gun-shop robbery, goes about the way you expect it would

Yes, I’m sure that this was not Florida. Mazer Rackham must be the best thing about NZ.

There are more, many many more. I will leave it to you to read them at your leisure. For the links that lead to Fark.com, the articles have been removed from the newspapers’ websites. That being said, the Farkers’ comments are usually quite hilarious. Have at it.

You don’t want to disappoint. I have a machete, and I know where you live. Seriously.

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